All Roads Lead to Grief

Where Grief Lives, Joy Often Follows

For a long time, I thought grief was only something you felt after someone died.

But as I've gotten to know my inner world, and watched others as they explored theirs, I've come to understand grief a bit differently.

Grief tends to live beneath the various things we carry:

• grief of traumatic childhood experiences or the childhood we didn't get.

• for the relationship we thought would last.

• for the version of ourselves we thought we'd become.

• for the body that changed (thank you peri/menopause)

• for the chaos that no longer exists when the nest becomes empty.

• for the friendships that faded.

• for the dreams that quietly slipped away.

Many of us don't recognize these as grief because no one taught us.

Some of these griefs are the ones we keep to ourselves, maybe we should have "gotten over it by now."

But each of these losses existed because something meaningful was there: connection, hope, joy, or a version of ourselves we once loved.

Joy and grief go hand-in-hand. Each grief is tied to something that once brought identity, connection, and happiness, making grief possible.

Often, our protective parts step in. They keep us busy, productive, numb, people-pleasing or constantly striving. They aren't trying to make life harder; they're trying to keep us from feeling the weight of what we lost.

And when these parts don't have to work so hard, you might find you feel a little more space to breathe, lightness in your chest, or even joy.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) we don't force grief to the surface. We don't relive trauma. We become curious about the parts that have carried loss for so long.

Once we become curious, something remarkable often happens.

When those parts are finally seen with compassion instead of judgment, they don't have to work quote so hard. Beneath the protection, there is often grief waiting to be acknowledged. Not because it wants to overwhelm us, but because it has been waiting to be witnessed.

I began to realize that many roads in my own life have led back to grief. Not because grief is the destination, but because I spent years trying not to visit. But, as I've spent more time there, I have found more than just sorrow. I have found clarity, and moments of joy I hadn't felt in a long time. Now, I can spend time with my grief, providing compassion and an understanding for the joy that was.

Healing didn't begin when I "got over it."

It began when I finally turned toward it with compassion. Turning toward grief didn't just help me heal, it helped me feel more alive.

Maybe that's true for you, too.

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